Thursday, December 15, 2011

Angry Energy

Have you ever had one of those days where it seems like everything makes you angry. Every little noise grates on your nerves and everything everyone does rubs you the wrong way. You feel the fire in your brain and nothing you do will cool it down.

Today has been one of those days for me. I woke up with this feeling of just... frustration. All I want is to be left alone in a quiet room with my thoughts. Something that's not really possible when your at home ALL day long with a three year old, by yourself.

Don't get me wrong I love my son. He means the world to me, and I'm proud to be a stay at home mom. There are just some days where I NEED to be alone. Taking that time would be easy if I could control when I needed it. If I could just pencil in like any other appointment, ah yes I think the 3rd will be a perfect day for one of my bleak moods. Russel has the day off and I can spend an hour or so by myself.

I don't necessarily dislike being in a bad mood. For me it's actually therapeutic. I feel like we get so caught up in positive energy that it gets stale. Every once in a while it's nice to just release the dams and allow the flow of negativity to wash over me. It's like a biting wind, or a crashing wave. It's startling, and abrasive and leaves you feeling out of breath and frightened, but when it's all over you feel cleansed. All of the proverbial cobwebs have been knocked down and you're ready to accept new positive energy.

I've found that the same thing is true in my marriage. If things are too pleasant for too long it begins to feel less genuine. We build up these layers of sweetness and light until we find ourselves in these artificial cocoons of generic happiness. Finally one of us loses their temper and we argue about something for hours. We fight, we cry, we yell, and then at the end we realize how silly the whole thing was. Somebody will crack a bad joke, and we'll both laugh, then we'll snuggle up next to each other, kiss, apologize, and have fantastic sex.

I don't know if this is how everyone feels or if it's just me. I'm a creature of duality and I need balance in my life. Balance to me means accepting both the good and the bad, dark and the light. Luckily I've found someone that accepts me for me and benefits as much from my quirks as I do.

I feel sorry for Adrian as he's had to put up with my less than warm and fuzzy self alone. How do I make these days more manageable? Are there any other stay at home parents with some good ideas for coping with these feelings? Whether they be mystical solutions or otherwise any and all advice is welcome.

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