Saturday, April 21, 2012

One of Those Days

Ever had one of those days where nothing really happens but just all of a sudden life.. just the entirety of life hits you like a ton of bricks. You look around and it dawns on you how badly you need to clean.. but you don't want to clean you feel too depressed to clean, and you know it's not going to get done and it just depresses you more. You're not happy with the way you look and the way you feel but you just don't know where to start. Every option feels like it will take forever and it's almost not worth it and you just feel helpless. You feel so spiritually disconnected that you're just floating, not even happy and there's never any time to center and get to the place you need to be. You know you need a change but you're afraid of that change and you're like a hamster on a wheel, running and running and running and not getting anywhere.

I'm having one of those days. We NEED to move, that's definitely part of it. I need my space, I feel trapped, and as much as I love my parents.. I really have to get away from them. I spent most of my day looking for apartments on Craigslist. Even though the need to move is a big part of it, it's not all of it. It's me, I need.. something, something to motivate me. I just feel so creatively fucked (if that even makes sense). Everything feels bleak and I just want to bite down on a pillow and scream. I feel like I need to take a step back from everything and prioritize. So that's what I'm doing. I'm putting some of my other projects on hold and I'm just taking a step back until I feel right in my own head again. Right now I feel like that's the only option I have. It seems as if life is just slowly piling up around me and pretty soon I'll be buried by it and I don't know how to get out.

I need to.. meditate, read, spend time outside. I need to have a moment where I do absolutely NOTHING, and have that be okay. I feel like I'm always doing something and nothing gets done, so maybe if I do nothing, something will get done. I don't even know if that makes sense but it feels right. Sometimes while my day is whisking by, I feel like I've lost myself. I need time to be a little crazy, do something I'm not supposed to, and just plain be myself. It's like I have to be this other person, this person I don't even recognize to get through the day and the real me is shrinking and shriveling up inside this unfamiliar shell. It scares me how true those words feel. Something is not right, something is not well, and something is not happy. I need to find out why.

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